Mindfully Communicating Without Violence

I've met many people who describe themselves as non-violent and warm-spirited, and by and large, that is how they show up in the world. But not always. Stressful situations find them flying off the handle in a fit of rage in seconds flat – rage they feel is justified: the driver who cut them off or is driving too slow is a jerk, the politician whose views are opposite of theirs is an idiot, the teenager who didn’t turn off her cell phone at the movies is clueless. It's quite possible you've found yourself wearing these raging shoes once or more yourself; after all, many people are experiencing anxiety of one flavor or another in their high-pressured lives and feel a sense of powerlessness on occasion. Fuming at others who push their buttons (generally from a distance) is a quick form of release, and then the rest of time they are more civil and kind toward everyone else they encounter – so of course they wouldn't even consider themselves anything other than peace-loving.

Yet even the most pacifist people will respond with defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack when they or their loved ones are being threatened - it's part of our sympathetic nervous system's natural response. Although in some cases it can be understood in the short term, there are other methods of non-violent communication that can be more productive in the long run. Indulging in back-and-forth mudslinging never solves problems.

Overt violent communication towards another is hard to deny, but passive-aggressive communication is more insidious. I've observed the dark craft of manipulation and control of others via subtle guilt and/or fear inducing verbiage by lots of folks – including people who are convinced they are all "love and light" - while at the same time are knifing others in the back with a smile. The broad outer perception they create for most people to see is they are incapable of harming a fly, yet in fact they are jealous, insecure, selfish and cutthroat competitive.

Another form of subtly communicating with destructive energy is when people express superiority over another in terms of their political beliefs, socio-economic status, race, gender, education, religion … even coming off as "more mindful" than others communicates elitism and separation – neither of which fosters respectful co-existence. Energy, both beneficial and harmful, is contagious. When we absorb what is being espoused by sensationalistic hate-mongering talk show hosts, propagandists and political leaders (and they exist on both sides of every issue) without questioning them, we are more prone to their negative energy being passed on by us in our communications with others. And if we become numb to violent images on TV, in movies, music and video games, they actually become more acceptable to us. Any parent that allows their kids to listen to "gangsta" rap music than denigrates women and promotes violence (and a lot of it does) and are in denial about the impact of such vitriol may be dealing with similar behavior and hate speech being emulated by their own.

Then there's the violence people commit against themselves but don't even recognize it as such; ruthless self-flagellation when they make mistakes, fall short of a goal, disappoint people, etc. - inflicting themselves with inner-voice chastisement, punishment … and even self-hatred. Their loving exterior is merely a mask for their ongoing internal brutality.

Lastly, there's the really covert behavior of not treating yourself in a loving manner via consuming a low vibe, poor quality diet, ingesting known toxic substances but acting in denial about their effect, drinking too much alcohol, being a workaholic, not exercising your body or your mind and brain regularly, depriving yourself of adequate sleep, not taking time to meditate, etc.

Another form of not treating yourself with respect is allowing others to be abusive and draining to you physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, and not saying "no" when it is appropriate – and necessary. Not expressing our feelings to someone who has upset us because we need their approval, love, money, etc. and instead choose to avoid conflicts and to "stuff it" leads to all sorts of problems – and it certainly doesn't need to be excused by thinking we are being "unconditionally loving" if in fact deep down we are seething and resenting that person. We all lead by example, and are at choice as to what we communicate to others, including how they should treat us and how we should treat ourselves. If we don't communicate self-respect – and transparently walk our talk – we are endorsing violence against ourselves, by our own hand as well as by others.

If you recognize yourself in any of these six forms of not mindful communication, take a deep breath. If others in your life instantly come to mind, take another deep breath ... and re-mind yourself to proactively create new neural pathways of choice to any situation that may trigger you into reacting in a deleterious (to self and others) manner.