Self-Help: Great in Theory - But Are You Getting Sustainable Results?

Self-help is a $10 billion a YEAR industry. In their desire to save money instead of hiring a personal or group coach/mentor like myself, people will happily fork over 15 - 25 bucks for the latest NY Times bestselling transformational/inspirational/motivational celebrity-guru-penned book, CD or DVD that has been hyped to produce "life-changing results." Don't get me wrong; some of these products are very helpful, and some of the popular teachers out there are very sincere; but unfortunately as I have learned from direct experience, some are bona fide hypocrites and charlatans just lining their pockets with softball "feel good" advice that tells people what they want to hear more than what they need to hear. They don't take their own advice, and it's an unfortunate situation of "do what I say, not what I do." (But I digress ...)

The issues I have with mass-produced self-help products in general are this:

First, because of a need for broad sales appeal, mainstream-marketed self-help products are designed for a generic audience. You are unique, and so are your needs, wants and concerns. So, for example, while a general audio program that teaches meditation is definitely beneficial for most people, it's not going to help you deal with the things meditation brings forth – and trust me, sitting alone with yourself in silence WILL bring things up. (FYI: that's part of why people end up avoiding their daily practice.)

Second, for change to take hold and last, you MUST follow the formula I tell every one of my students and clients. You have to do the work and put in the effort – with consistent practice + repetition over time. You can't just read a book, or listen to a CD or watch a DVD once or twice and have it instill permanent transformation (and by the way, this also applies to simply attending some weekend seminar and expecting "instant enlightenment"). This nonsense that people spread saying you don't have to lift a finger and can "manifest" your desires by magical thinking and creating vision boards alone has a built-in "out": if you don't get what you want, it's YOUR fault, not theirs. You get the blame for defeat because you didn't "want it badly enough" or your own negative core beliefs are "blocking" you. Although we all have inner obstacles to overcome, this is such a perverse mindset, and in my not-so-humble opinion, anyone who has the arrogance and cruelty to even consider putting it all back upon you in such a judgmental manner ought to be ashamed of his- or herself.

Third, since your investment is relatively small, if what you bought didn't work (but you still value the popular self-help genre) you're more likely to jump onto the next trendy bandwagon, instead of admitting you need direct help in getting where you want to go in life. But if this pattern has repeated itself over years or even decades, who is actually benefiting here?

Lastly, when you read or hear something in a self-help product that pushes your buttons, it's very easy to dismiss it, and close the book or turn off the audio or video program. It's also easy to say "Well, that didn't work" and then go write a bad review on Amazon, when the fact is you didn't even give it a fair shot. With the pervasive instant gratification and entitlement attitude that has become an epidemic in the West, so many people toss away hidden gems - again, because they are unwilling to put in the time and effort.

Even before lasting change can occur, radically honest self-inquiry has to happen first. Most people are not tough enough with themselves to unearth what's really going on that keeps the success they are seeking an arm's length (or more) away. Denial, justification, blame, victimization, lame excuses, "know-it-all" attitudes, procrastination, self-pity, lack of accountability, escapism/avoidance, delusional thinking, laziness, burying your head in the sand, etc. – all these shadow behaviors are something the ego is very clever and astute at indulging in and doesn't want to face and overcome. That's a major part of my job – to put these shadow behaviors on the table so they can be dealt with. It ultimately doesn't matter why or how they got there in the first place. There are usually some great and very real reasons, and I deeply care about and understand the pain they've instilled. But fool yourself no longer. If they aren't transcended and put behind you, your personal status quo will keep spinning 'round and 'round and 'round in the muck. If self-sabotaging and energy-draining patterns have got you locked in a stranglehold, you must find the courage and strength to take back your personal power. That's another major part of my job – to help you feel safe enough to reach within, find your fearless warrior spirit and not let go. I can coach you to find it but I can't fix or save you; you must take on the hero's journey yourself. No matter what has happened to you in the past, you are at choice as to how you will respond to it from this moment forward – and my hope is you'll do so with fortitude, perseverance, grace and integrity. That's a huge part of proactive mindfulness.

It's not "comfortable" to go through an intimate one-on-one coaching or small group training process. It may make you squirm at times. It may scare you at times. It may make you break down and cry at times. It may piss you off at times. It may even make you want to give up at times. But if you embrace personal inner work in the manner I suggest to my clients and students – taking the leap with a spirit of adventure and discovery – that deep need you have to heal what drives you to seek answers from self-help products alone will begin to be replaced by actualizing the changes you really crave … and that's a bargain at any price. :)