The Seven Stages of Relationship

Most people are afraid of love because they are afraid of their deepest joy and inner freedom.

In relationship, we must reach a place where being honest and being true to yourself is more important than the survival of the relationship ! Let me illustrate this using Stendhal's and Roland's seven stages of a love relationship :

1. ADMIRATION " I really admire you as a person "
2. BEGINNING OF DESIRE " I think I'd like to get to know you better ."
3. HOPE " I hope you feel the same way about me "
4. INCEPTION OF LOVE " I think I'm falling in love with you"
5. FIRST CRYSTALLIZATION " I see the beauty and perfection within YOU "

Remember, the ego is always externalizing the inner quest. It is always looking outside for an answer that can only be found within. The astounding divorce rate in the United States becomes quite understandable when we begin to realize that our primary quest is not for an answer outside ourselves, but rather to re-unite with our authentic self which is often trapped within a self-imposed prison of childhood fears.

 6. DOUBT AND/OR JEALOUSY, ANGER AND RESENTMENT

This is where Stendhal ended his six stages of love for it is the stage where most, if not all, emotional relationships end with mutual anger and resentment submerging all traces of the original love. What we do not realize in this stage is that these feelings are often associated with earlier childhood hurts we felt with loved ones and we are face to face with the decisions we made at that time to repress and deny our deepest feelings ~ because there was seemingly no-one there for us. We can either run , as most people do, or go through these fears by not denying the love, taking accountability for these feelings and stop being a victim ! You cannot escape stage six until you go inside, take total accountability for your actions and feelings and stop denying love. This takes great courage but the payoff is immense ! Resentment doesn't heal ! Anger doesn't heal ! Only love truly heals !

 7. ROLAND'S SECOND CRYSTALLIZATION " I feel the beauty and perfection within MYSELF "

This cannot be accomplished unless we realize our ultimate quest in life is to fully experience our authentic self and our connection to our original state of soul consciousness. It is a place of INNER verses OUTER validation! " Until I let go I cannot grow " , "Great love can both take hold and let go". To let go with love you must, in essence, consciously love your partner. Conscious love ( non-possessive, non-dependent and unconditional love ) is rarely obtained between humans. The conscious love motive, in its most developed state, is the wish that the object should arrive at its own innate perfection ~ regardless of the consequences to the lover or partner. It is total unconditional love and when we come from this place we are embracing our deepest spiritual essence and a state of soul consciousness. The paradox of this attitude is that such love always invokes a similar attitude in its objects because we all seek , at the deepest level, to be unconditionally loved.

The path to the soul is through doors of fear and most of those fears appear in relationship. You don't realize those fears are illusions until you stop denying love and go through them. Only then can you truly claim the greatest gift ~ yourself.

True relationship is thus a dance of intimacy (an honest sharing of our thoughts and feelings) in which both partners support and unconditionally love one another - leading eventually to inner joy and inner validation and the courage and freedom to fully express and sing one's own true song, regardless of the risks!

Only then can we truly become an instrument in a divine loving plan of soul consciousness ~ THE UNIFIED FIELD.

When you realize that God is , in reality , A LOVING PLAN IN ACTION - you will know the true intent of love.

For the true intent of love is ALWAYS for each one of us to become an instrument in that loving plan.

Relationship is the vehicle!

As such, by fully surrendering to love in relationship, being willing to both take hold and let go, we ultimately will eventually embrace ourselves and our part in that loving plan.

Allen L Roland

Allen L Roland is a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his weblog and website www.allenroland.com

He also guest hosts a weekly national radio show TRUTHTALK on Conscious talk radio www.conscioustalk.net

Allen Roland's weblog: http://blogs.salon.com/0002255/

Website: www.allenroland.com